A Satirical Look At The First 100 Days Of Trump

As an Englishman I was delighted when Donald Trump won the American election. -Why delighted

Now I know our countries have their differences;

In England cars drive on the left, in America cars get Molotov cock tailed in Tesla showrooms. In the UK homosexuality is deemed legal, whereas in America they call it “professional wrestling”. In America, they measure everything in miles… but enough about their clothes sizes.

Yes Donald Trump promised to tackle wokeness and the lunacy of the Democrat open borders policy. And he’s been highly effective at doing both. Trump is currently behaving like a nightclub bouncer. One in, ten thousand out.

The only difference is when I got kicked out of my local nightclub I didn’t end up in a maximum security prison in El Salvador. I had to get the night bus home, alone, which to be fair, had a similar number of hispanics with face tattoos. At least in prison you don’t have to listen to morons playing terrible music on their mobile phone.

Trump, like all good nightclub bouncers whose job it is to stop sausage fests, is making sure that it’s not just men getting in either. Unlike the Democrats who at the end of their term didn’t know what an illegal immigrant was let alone a woman.

Of course Trump knows what a woman is. He’s had sex with millions of them, he’s basically Russell Brand, if Russell understood the meaning of the word consent. Trump isn’t a Nazi, but his testicles have produced enough blonde women to prop up the Aryan race for 1000 years. Apart from Ivanka. I don’t think the whole marrying a Jew would go down very well in the Nazi Party. Or the Democrats or Labor, or basically any current left wing party. Sorry not Jew. ZIONIST. My mistake.

However now he’s been elected I’m starting to realise that not only may I have backed the wrong horse I’ve also realised that the horse has gotten into Elon’s secret stash of breakfast Ketamine and gone completely and utterly mental. It’s currently going around kicking everyone square in the bollocks, and not just Lia Thomas and other record-breaking female athletes. And by everyone I mean everyone.

Anyone who has any type of investments has seen their money’s value decline quicker than Douglas Murray’s chances of being invited back on the Joe Rogan Experience.

At this point the Dollar is worth so little that most Americans are now identifying as North Korean. The only difference being the average American has more in common size wise with Kim Jong-un than Yumni Park.

Honestly at this point I’m expecting to see Americans carting round worthless piles of dollar bills in gardener’s wheelbarrows, but they can’t, because Trump’s deported all the gardeners!

Billionaires who backed Trump are now begging him to think rationally and responsibly when it comes to the economy. But Trump isn’t worried because he’s just discovered a huge new resource full of oil, natural gas, and forests. I think it used to be called “Canada”? Yes that’s right Trump is so unhinged that he’s declared he wants to annex Canada.

I’m going to repeat those words again. He wants to annex Canada. This is so demented it makes Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez look sane. And she’s a left wing childless Latino woman. I’ve seen more stability at Fukushima.

And now people are saying that Trump helped Canadian front-runner Pierre Poilievre snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and elect new liberal Canadian PM Mark Carney. Which is the biggest political comeback since… Trump got sand in his minge, threw a month-long tantrum and started that kerfuffle in January a few years back. Good times…though I never did find my fur hat with the horns on it.

But Trump shows no sign of backing down particularly now he’s doing his favourite thing which is pissing off the Chinese, but hey, we all love a feisty Asian. His whole presidency looks like one giant attempt to troll Xi Jin Ping. I’m half expecting him to tweet out a picture of Winnie-the-Pooh crying because he’s found out that U.S. tariffs have increased by 983%.

And don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t love pissing off the Chinese? The accent alone makes it worth it. Imagine Xi calling up Trump furious because no one wants to buy his products anymore. It’d be like having an argument with your local takeaway and intentionally winding up the owner.

But I can’t help wondering where this is going to end. Because you can’t keep antagonising people, at some point you’re going to have to learn how to work with them. And I do realise that this is hypocritical coming from a man who started a channel called “Triggernometry”. But even I draw the line at pissing off the Chinese Communist Party. I wouldn’t even piss off the local Chinese restaurant. Because I want my spring rolls, all 238 of them.