A Satirical Message Of Hope For 2025

Well 2025 is only a few weeks old and it seems to be good news all the way so far.

The global liberal establishment appears to be crumbling as I speak. Whether it’s the American voters realising Kamala Harris makes less sense than Joe Biden after he’s been on the whisky and missed nap time or Mark Zuckerberg magically discovering his testicles on the Joe Rogan Experience and saying he now believes in free speech.

Zuckerberg’s 180 degree turn is the quickest transition I’ve seen since Will Smith identified as a little bitch and slapped Chris Rock over a joke. Zuck even now says that he believes we need a more masculine work environment. Which just goes to show you can program an AI to say anything. Except have a personality, be likeable and have a modicum of integrity.

The Democrats had their usual meltdown after the election loss where they accused black men and Latinos of being “white supremacists”. The term “white supremacist” to woke people now means exactly the same thing as the word “woman”. In that it’s meaningless. Anyone can now be one, regardless of race or gender and if the Dems say you are one then you’re definitely not.

Kamala disappeared from public view quicker than if she was shown an invitation to the Joe Rogan Experience and no one knows where Joe Biden is. Least of all Joe Biden. All we do know is that he’s probably making less sense than he was before. Although he seemed to be delighted that Trump won. But wouldn’t you if you had to spend practically every day of the last four years with Kamala. I can't understand what the hell she’s talking about and I don’t have dementia.

The election victory was so devastating that even AOC has removed her pronouns from her Twitter bio. Which means that she now identifies as relatively sane and reasonable. For a Latino woman. Which still means that she’ll kill you if you forget to take the rubbish out. And that’s all the invitation I need to put a ring on that finger and have my life ruined forever. Dating her will be like watching a Democrat meltdown. It will end in tears but my God will it be fun.

And it’s not just the U.S. Canada has been through its own awakening now that Justin Trudeau has resigned. This is obviously a sad moment for peoplekind watching their first black Prime Minister leave office. Who can we rely on to say utterly demented things now? The correct answer is: whoever the Liberal Party elects to be the next PM.

By the way, the Liberal Party describing themselves as “liberal” is a bit like me describing myself as “sex positive” because I once thought about having sex with someone who has blue hair. I’m not sex positive and anyone who describes themselves as such should be marched immediately to a gulag, checked for disease and never allowed to leave. Which is exactly what the Liberals want to do to anyone who believes in free speech.

The whole of the Anglosphere now feels like it’s waking up from a party where we’ve all had our drinks spiked and we’re slowly clawing our way back to reality. Well, all except one country. And that’s my country. The UK.

We elected a Labour government that’s so anti free speech it makes Justin Trudeau look like Ben Shapiro. If Ben was partial to dressing up as Aladdin and going 12 shades darker than he really needed to. This is what happens when you elect a former drama teacher as PM. Crap policies, worse costumes.

Our government now throws people in jail for memes, Facebook posts and is now talking about implementing blasphemy laws.

They opened that discussion as part of Islamophobia awareness month. I wonder if gay people being scared of Islam is a phobia? Because if there’s one thing we can say about the religion of peace is that it’s not particularly welcoming to the LGBT community. Apart from Pakistan and Iran who are transitioning gay men into women faster than you can shout the words “Yaaaas Queen”. They love the T more than an East German Olympic weightlifter in the 80s. Which is ironic as those East German ladies now have more testosterone than every male Labour MP combined.

And I would talk about the Conservative party but honestly what’s the point. After 14 years in power all they succeeded in proving was that it doesn’t matter who you have as PM: male, female, ethnic minority, they’re all as crap as each other.

So here’s to 2025. Let’s hope this is the year we can get back to common sense, rationality and hoping that putting pronouns in your bio will be as relevant as Liz Truss’s political career.