An Ode To Male Friendship

Life can sometimes feel like an endless series of obstacles and inconveniences. No matter how mentally resilient you are, at times you just get fed up. You’ve had enough. As you can imagine (particularly if you’ve read my other pieces) I feel like this fairly regularly. But when I do, there’s one surefire antidote I can always turn to: spending time with my male friends.

Even just the memories of hanging out, talking nonsense and having a laugh with my mates can instantly soothe an anxious mind, and make a bad situation look a whole lot better. It doesn’t matter where we were, or what we were doing. Drinking in a bar, working in an office, sitting in traffic, watching paint dry; when you’re with the boys, any situation can be epic.

Now, most men will at some point have fielded the following query, from a girlfriend or perhaps a mother: “Why don’t you talk about anything serious with your friends?” Then comes a look of withering judgment, followed up with fifty other questions about my friends’ lives, none of which I know the answer to. And look, they’ve got a point. One of my best mates is a banker in New York - but aside from netting a massive paycheck, I couldn’t begin to tell you what he actually does. And aside from occasionally seeing my face plastered all over the Internet, he has precious little idea of my working life either.

But this doesn’t mean that our friendship lacks depth, or that we don’t know each other. In fact, we know each other intimately (not in that way) - through our shared sense of humour. This statement will cause scoffs of derision from at least a few decaf soy latte drinkers out there, but it’s the truth: “taking the piss” or “having banter” is, to the average man, the most important component of a good friendship. It’s how we relieve stress, and feed our inner compulsion to seek status in a playful and healthy way. A good ‘sesh’ with the lads can give you confidence when you’re low, but just as crucially take you down a peg when you get too full of yourself. And it’s hard to describe to those who haven’t experienced it - but this all happens in a very organic way, in which very little needs to be said or spelled out.

It’s also a terrific form of catharsis. Our lives during the week are stressful and regimented; you need to be serious, pretend you know what you’re doing, and be sensitive in how you express yourself. What a relief it is to get to the weekend, meet up with your friends, and get a bit wild together. I’m not talking hard drugs and hooliganism (not anymore at least), but just being free to let go, relax, and not have to be so proper and correct. Your friends help you find that happy balance between order and chaos that’s essential to a healthy mind.

Furthermore, “banter” is an amazingly effective tool for dealing with hard times and dark topics. If you can laugh at your problems, you’re one step closer to beating them. I was recently out with a good friend who, like myself, has battled depression and alcoholism throughout his life (we both hail from Irish stock, so it makes sense). As a result, we tend to avoid venues where alcohol is front and centre. So for this recent outing, we went to a cigar bar instead. You might think that’s the next-worst thing to alcohol, and you might be right. But anyway, as we walked out of the bar he turned to me and said, “Well, that cigar probably took eight minutes off my life.” Barely missing a beat, I responded, “I wouldn’t worry about it mate - you’re not enjoying it much anyway.” After a moment of silence, we both burst out laughing. Between two men who are close, a cheeky jab like that can give more consolation and encouragement than hours of therapy. Laughing at himself that way was a form of defiance. A reminder that he is in control of his fate - not alcohol, not depression.

It’s probably time to address the elephant in the room, so let me clarify: I have many female friends whom I deeply value for their wit, wisdom, empathy and guidance. And friendships between women have many things going for them that their male counterparts arguably lack; in particular, the levels of support and patience that women will offer one another. I have no intention of portraying male friendships as superior to female ones. But they’re different, for sure. And I wanted to write this ode to male friendship, because it’s no exaggeration to say that it’s saved my life, more than once. I also think it’s frequently misunderstood, belittled, and even demonised. I won’t deny that groups of men, when left to their own devices, can get rowdy, silly, and downright dangerous. But I assure you - a man with no friends at all is a far more dangerous prospect.

Which is why the ever-increasing level of social isolation among Western men is so troubling. In recent surveys, over 15% of American men reported having no close friends (up from 3% in 1990). So when life gets tough, when the problems and stresses pile up, these men will have no-one to lift their spirits, no-one to crack the tension with a joke, no-one to remind them of their strength and agency. And that is an awful situation - for the men themselves, and for those around them.

We should all nurture and cherish the friendships we have, and we should celebrate the uniquely wonderful dynamics of both male and female friend groups. Both are crucial, not only to individual wellbeing but to societal health. The opportunity to make close connections that deepen and evolve over time is a gift that Life presents us with. Let’s not waste it.