Has The UK Fallen?

I’m British and I love my country. Now I’m a Londoner and saying that in my city makes you a white supremacist. Either that or a “bit Brexity”. So pretty soon I expect the police to come knocking on my door asking to “check my thinking” and throw me in solitary confinement because I once borrowed a copy of Douglas Murray’s “Strange Death Of Europe” from the library. Obviously this is a joke. You’re more likely to find a copy of the Torah in Abu Hamza’s hands than a Douglas Murray book in a British library. This joke works on two levels. Number one because Abu is currently being held in a maximum security prison in America and number two because he doesn’t have hands.

The unfortunate reality is my country is in serious trouble and it’s only going to get worse.

We currently have people getting arrested and put in prison for tweets at a staggering rate, roughly 12,000 people are arrested every year for things they write online. 12,000! Now as a former teacher I have often said that people should be thrown in jail for their appalling grammar. But I didn’t actually mean it! Our jails are close to overflowing and we’re now putting people behind bars for tweeting.

Things got so bad that we’re now letting sex offenders out early. One sex offending gentleman, because let’s be fair they always are, unless they’re a gentlemen who identifies as lady, was released after only serving 40% of his sentence and within a matter of hours sexually assaulted someone at the train station. What’s a pervert to do when he’s released into his natural habitat? Not grope someone? That’d be like asking Boris Johnson a question and expecting him to tell the truth.

We’re now in the ridiculous place where people like Lucy Connolly are given 31 months for an incendiary tweet and sex offenders get suspended prison sentences. As we all know nothing stops perverts from reoffending like a slap on the wrist. In fact some of them probably liked getting slapped.

The Labour Party are now openly talking about chemically castrating paedophiles. Which would probably be an effective way of freeing up prison cells. You wouldn’t even need to put them in jail. Just book them an appointment at the local vets and then we can have them sorted in the afternoon. That obviously wouldn’t work. Our country is so broke we wouldn’t be able to afford a veterinarian’s fees, it’d probably have to be done in the local park with David Lammy and some rusty garden shears. That’s probably the only thing David Lammy is useful for at this point. And even then, he’d probably get mixed up and end up in hospital having castrated himself. So there are at least some positives.

But the really good news is we’ve now got someone even more useless as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Rachel Reeves is so terrible at economics she makes Latin American countries look well run. In the UK if you earn over £37,700 you get hit with a 40% tax rate. This means that you can now get a pay rise and come out even poorer than before. What a wonderful way to incentivise people to sit on their arse and get them to do nothing. Because you know what you call a Brit with ambition? An American. And we all know how annoying relentless positivity is.

We now have a cost of living crisis, energy crisis, migrant crisis, housing crisis, the only thing that doesn’t seem to be in crisis is Boris Johnson’s ability to pump out more kids. He might be the only person who can stop our collapsing birth rate. Maybe he and Elon Musk can get together and repopulate the world until every child is either autistic or resembles some kind of inbred, narcissistic, Labrador.

But maybe we don’t need to have our own kids as we’ve got an endless stream of illegal immigrants coming over in inflatable dinghies who want to live in the UK. And at this point all I can think is “why?”. If you’re fleeing war torn South Sudan, is East London really an upgrade? The only real difference is that the gangs in South Sudan have higher literacy rates and better command of the English language. At least I know that if I get stabbed by an illegal immigrant at least they’re going to do it properly and not half arse it like a British kid would. It’d take one of those lads half the time at a quarter of the price.

Plus I wouldn’t have to hear words like “cuz” and “fam” as I slowly expire on the pavement surrounded by pubescent retards dressed head to toe in sports clothing they’ve stolen from JD Sports.

So there we have it. A nation in collapse. A city about to descend into chaos. But remember the most important thing in all of this. It could be worse. Much, much, much worse. We could be French.