My brother and I used to perform our own silly “Passing the Baton of Care” ceremony to each other when looking after our parents, involving salutes and jaunty dance steps, to the amusement of said parents. “I hand over the Baton of Care”, “I accept the Baton of Care” and so on. It made a tough time lighten a little.
Thank you. Bittersweet is a good description, and it stays in the mind and in the heart for years afterwards, maybe the rest of my life. I expect many of us go through it. Just a year after I lost my parents, my brother died too. I have such fond memories, interspersed with sadness. Make the most of the time you have with loved ones.
That's a huge amount of grief in a short time. I know bittersweet because I lived it too, except I lost my brother when I was 19. So I passed the baton between my own hands until last year.
Dearest Francis, you have the kindest of hearts. The ultra consumerism is beyond the pale. But am not sure if just visiting friends/neighbours empty handed would suffice 👀 We are all now so conditioned into the importance of gift exchange that to try and rationalise our way out is not an option. I once agreed with a sibling (we lived far apart) that we would not buy each other any presents on a particular Xmas, as I especially couldn’t afford it that year. But lo and behold, when the whole family sat round the Xmas table, I was inundated with gorgeous’things’ but was unable to reciprocate!!! It was an embarrassment that still stings. I learnt a lesson and have made sure it can never happen again. But when buying for friends and family now, I always make sure that I take something to the local children’s hospital - because sadly, some children can’t go home for Xmas. Or, if an animal lover, donate food or bedding etc.
Francis, I admire you for giving up the booze but surely Xmas is the hardest time of all to stay sober. I also love that you are thinking about the true meaning of Xmas. Going to Xmas Eve carol singing at a local church is a wonderful way to start Xmas, at least for me. Seasons greetings to you and all your family and keep writing ✨🫶🏻✨
In non-violent communication gifting (like praise) is a little tricky. Because if a gift is an attempt to control another person, even to 'make' them happy, or to ensure good treatment or reciprocation then it is violence. That's tough for a gifter like me to swallow but when I examine my relationships, one of my least stress inducing friends has never given me a gift in 20 years! I ask myself if sometimes my insistence on gifting (even when I really can't afford it) is to maintain my persona of 'the thoughtful one', and does that even hold up if I create a burden like the one placed on you by others not abiding with the agreement?
Another friend bans gifts unless they arrive unwrapped, because the unwrapping ritual of birthdays and Christmas was so traumatic. I remember being scrutinised for appropriate reactions and it rather takes the fun out of it. An adorable young visitor from Canada demonstrated the foolishness of this by joyfully declaring every gift 'Just what I always wan-ed!' We quote him often. Other cultures place a beautifully wrapped gift in view but only open it later in private. I like that, not putting on a show and having the person fretting over my reaction, me fretting over the person's reaction to my reaction.
One of my best Christmas memories is when our recently widowed neighbour brought over chocolate eclairs on Christmas Eve and after devouring them with Irish Cream we went off to midnight mass at the Anglican church. I'd never been and the to and fro with the congregation and the singing in the cool evening air was so festive, like on TV.
This is true warmth! Thank you Francis and Merry Christmas. I have always loved Christmas. My mum did the best with the little we had to make Christmas magical for us. She would bake up a storm. The house would always smell of baking near Christmas time. I hated visiting my Grandparents because my grumpy grandfather was the type that thought children were seen and not heard. However, I miss those boring Christmas's trying to not play with the toys I got for Christmas because it made too much noise. I love looking after other people it is why I enjoyed being a support worker. I think it is a blessing when you get to look after your parents in later life. Modern society has made it a burden and something someone else should do. We learn to appreciate life through looking after others, especially the ones who once look after us.
My grandmother told me how to find a good husband and I wish I took her advice. "To know if a man is going to be a good husband. Look at how he treats and looks after his mother and close friends. This is how he is going to treat and look after you as his wife."
I know you joke about that you are not a very good looking man and that all you have to offer a women is to make her laugh. However, after reading about how much you are and look after your friends and family, shows how much more you have to offer to a woman. You would make an amazing husband. You shouldn't hold the baton on your own. You deserve a loving wife that will help carry that baton. You just need to let go of this obsession with beautiful women, because it is as shallow as a pissed up kiddy pool. Find a women who finds you beautiful.(You are beautiful! Your words proves that.) Find a woman who respects and appreciates you. That is the true beauty of a woman and that is what makes a man, a man. And vice versa makes a woman, a woman. It is mutual respect and appreciation that makes life beautiful and worth the other shit that has to be endured.
I only just got here on this post so I don't know about any of that but that is good advice from your grandmother. I got mine third hand from someone else's grandma 'Choose the man who loves you the most' and that seems to have worked out alright, 20 years next year. You sound a bit like a grandma till you get to 'shallow as a pissed up kiddy pool' which I'm stealing and using at the first opportunity. Thank you for that. Merry Christmas!
Thanks 😊 I really don't how to the take the "you sound like a grandma" as an insult or a compliment? Well, if I get a belly piercing, a tattoo and shag 20y/os to feel young again it is your fault🤪🫵
It is true, men who care about their mothers make the best husbands. I also have noticed that men tend to settle down with a women very similar to their mother. Not really in looks but personality , mannerisms, values and attitudes. It is not always the case but it is a regular pattern I see. My husband did it, my 3 male friends did it. Expect my brother and cousin they married women totally opposite to what their mothers are like.
I also feel sometimes my husband treats me exactly the way he treats his mother. I used to see it as a bad thing but now I see it as an indication that I have his love and respect. However, I still grapple with it because I feel unsexy. My problem is I want marriage to be one long romance novel. That is not reality. I believe a lot of women are disappointed in marriage because they think it should be one long romance novel. When men give their love it is not in a romantic way it is very much the same love and care they give to their mothers. Men think sex is romance, full stop 🤭 Women think romance is love, full stop. Love is respecting and caring for one another. Love is more than what we just desire.
Don't be concerned! Just the urge to give relationship advice seems grandmaternal, then it takes an unexpected turn hahaha. My sister complains she read too many romance novels when she was younger and the problem is they don't ever tell you about the happily ever after part. Now she only reads romance novels where the love interest is an alien or part wolf or something. I love to tease her for that. TV is particularly bad at writing happy relationships. I know men who think romance is drama. If she isn't giving him hassles then it can't be love because he isn't feeling those intense emotions. Insecurely attached women playing games. Thankfully my man doesn't have those issues. Don't even bring up Freud though, I'm mortified that I'm like my mother-in-law. I try not to think about that. I don't think you can be both in your head and feeling sexy.
I am not concerned at all and I actually take it as a compliment. I only saw an opportunity to be annoying🤭. It is actually why I am looking forward to being a grandmother because I get to annoy my grandchildren. I won't need Substack anymore. I will hand over my grandchildren to their mother undoing all her hard work of bringing them up right 🤣😂🤣 Bless, my daughter does have her hands full.
Romance is a wonderful feeling and I have delved deep in romantic literature and movies just like your sister. It is sort of an escape. However, it does put unrealistic expectations on real relationships. However, today romance has gone out the window and it is sexual fantasies and festishes that has taken its place in delusionville. I still prefer dying over a broken heart because love is not like the movies over the numbness of sex not being like Pornhub. I will always keep my romantic soul and I will try and pass it no to my daughter. This Christmas elf on the shelf has fallen in love and is getting married to Elfeltte. We are going to make her wedding dress this weekend. Love needs a helping hand these days.
I read this all the way through a few times today. Really powerful words Francis. My family no longer gathers like we used to and it's quite sad. I'm only 26 but as my grandparents continue to grow older and more frail, I often feel slight anger that my older family members don't make more of an effort to give them their time and attention. Even if for one family gathering a year. This post has brought me to relieving tears. Thank you
My sister shares this same sentiment with the stunned realisation 'We're the adults!'. I used to hate Christmas too. The nicest part of getting older is you get the compassion to know you were 'differently focused' and be okay with it. I don't live near family but I love to think dragging out my tree and adorning it connects me to ancestors who for thousands of years have followed the traditions of the seasons. I'm also connected with all the other heirs to those traditions both genetically and culturally. Here in the Southern Hemisphere it could be 40 degrees on Christmas Day. We'll be indoors too, just huddled round the A/C instead of the fire.
Thank you: I can relate to this. It makes you understand why Scrooge was older in A Christmas Carol, as that is when we all start to see our own (or loved ones') demise and look back to Christmases past. Yet, it is the present moment, and the opportunity to give that brings Scrooge out of his funk. Merry Christmas, Francis! Keep giving!
Lovely observation of life and what really matters and now I’m the aging fragile parent on the flip side of yours, I am eternally grateful that my 2 sons still like spending time with their mum! Have a wonderful Christmas
My brother and I used to perform our own silly “Passing the Baton of Care” ceremony to each other when looking after our parents, involving salutes and jaunty dance steps, to the amusement of said parents. “I hand over the Baton of Care”, “I accept the Baton of Care” and so on. It made a tough time lighten a little.
Tough, but bittersweet as you knew this time was getting shorter. Well done for making it a team relay.
Thank you. Bittersweet is a good description, and it stays in the mind and in the heart for years afterwards, maybe the rest of my life. I expect many of us go through it. Just a year after I lost my parents, my brother died too. I have such fond memories, interspersed with sadness. Make the most of the time you have with loved ones.
That's a huge amount of grief in a short time. I know bittersweet because I lived it too, except I lost my brother when I was 19. So I passed the baton between my own hands until last year.
You poor thing, having to do that solo, and my respect, for having coped.
Thank you. Sometimes we cope better on the outside, but I'm sure you know that too
Indeed
Happy Christmas, Francis!
For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace!
Dearest Francis, you have the kindest of hearts. The ultra consumerism is beyond the pale. But am not sure if just visiting friends/neighbours empty handed would suffice 👀 We are all now so conditioned into the importance of gift exchange that to try and rationalise our way out is not an option. I once agreed with a sibling (we lived far apart) that we would not buy each other any presents on a particular Xmas, as I especially couldn’t afford it that year. But lo and behold, when the whole family sat round the Xmas table, I was inundated with gorgeous’things’ but was unable to reciprocate!!! It was an embarrassment that still stings. I learnt a lesson and have made sure it can never happen again. But when buying for friends and family now, I always make sure that I take something to the local children’s hospital - because sadly, some children can’t go home for Xmas. Or, if an animal lover, donate food or bedding etc.
Francis, I admire you for giving up the booze but surely Xmas is the hardest time of all to stay sober. I also love that you are thinking about the true meaning of Xmas. Going to Xmas Eve carol singing at a local church is a wonderful way to start Xmas, at least for me. Seasons greetings to you and all your family and keep writing ✨🫶🏻✨
In non-violent communication gifting (like praise) is a little tricky. Because if a gift is an attempt to control another person, even to 'make' them happy, or to ensure good treatment or reciprocation then it is violence. That's tough for a gifter like me to swallow but when I examine my relationships, one of my least stress inducing friends has never given me a gift in 20 years! I ask myself if sometimes my insistence on gifting (even when I really can't afford it) is to maintain my persona of 'the thoughtful one', and does that even hold up if I create a burden like the one placed on you by others not abiding with the agreement?
Another friend bans gifts unless they arrive unwrapped, because the unwrapping ritual of birthdays and Christmas was so traumatic. I remember being scrutinised for appropriate reactions and it rather takes the fun out of it. An adorable young visitor from Canada demonstrated the foolishness of this by joyfully declaring every gift 'Just what I always wan-ed!' We quote him often. Other cultures place a beautifully wrapped gift in view but only open it later in private. I like that, not putting on a show and having the person fretting over my reaction, me fretting over the person's reaction to my reaction.
One of my best Christmas memories is when our recently widowed neighbour brought over chocolate eclairs on Christmas Eve and after devouring them with Irish Cream we went off to midnight mass at the Anglican church. I'd never been and the to and fro with the congregation and the singing in the cool evening air was so festive, like on TV.
This is true warmth! Thank you Francis and Merry Christmas. I have always loved Christmas. My mum did the best with the little we had to make Christmas magical for us. She would bake up a storm. The house would always smell of baking near Christmas time. I hated visiting my Grandparents because my grumpy grandfather was the type that thought children were seen and not heard. However, I miss those boring Christmas's trying to not play with the toys I got for Christmas because it made too much noise. I love looking after other people it is why I enjoyed being a support worker. I think it is a blessing when you get to look after your parents in later life. Modern society has made it a burden and something someone else should do. We learn to appreciate life through looking after others, especially the ones who once look after us.
My grandmother told me how to find a good husband and I wish I took her advice. "To know if a man is going to be a good husband. Look at how he treats and looks after his mother and close friends. This is how he is going to treat and look after you as his wife."
I know you joke about that you are not a very good looking man and that all you have to offer a women is to make her laugh. However, after reading about how much you are and look after your friends and family, shows how much more you have to offer to a woman. You would make an amazing husband. You shouldn't hold the baton on your own. You deserve a loving wife that will help carry that baton. You just need to let go of this obsession with beautiful women, because it is as shallow as a pissed up kiddy pool. Find a women who finds you beautiful.(You are beautiful! Your words proves that.) Find a woman who respects and appreciates you. That is the true beauty of a woman and that is what makes a man, a man. And vice versa makes a woman, a woman. It is mutual respect and appreciation that makes life beautiful and worth the other shit that has to be endured.
I only just got here on this post so I don't know about any of that but that is good advice from your grandmother. I got mine third hand from someone else's grandma 'Choose the man who loves you the most' and that seems to have worked out alright, 20 years next year. You sound a bit like a grandma till you get to 'shallow as a pissed up kiddy pool' which I'm stealing and using at the first opportunity. Thank you for that. Merry Christmas!
Thanks 😊 I really don't how to the take the "you sound like a grandma" as an insult or a compliment? Well, if I get a belly piercing, a tattoo and shag 20y/os to feel young again it is your fault🤪🫵
It is true, men who care about their mothers make the best husbands. I also have noticed that men tend to settle down with a women very similar to their mother. Not really in looks but personality , mannerisms, values and attitudes. It is not always the case but it is a regular pattern I see. My husband did it, my 3 male friends did it. Expect my brother and cousin they married women totally opposite to what their mothers are like.
I also feel sometimes my husband treats me exactly the way he treats his mother. I used to see it as a bad thing but now I see it as an indication that I have his love and respect. However, I still grapple with it because I feel unsexy. My problem is I want marriage to be one long romance novel. That is not reality. I believe a lot of women are disappointed in marriage because they think it should be one long romance novel. When men give their love it is not in a romantic way it is very much the same love and care they give to their mothers. Men think sex is romance, full stop 🤭 Women think romance is love, full stop. Love is respecting and caring for one another. Love is more than what we just desire.
Don't be concerned! Just the urge to give relationship advice seems grandmaternal, then it takes an unexpected turn hahaha. My sister complains she read too many romance novels when she was younger and the problem is they don't ever tell you about the happily ever after part. Now she only reads romance novels where the love interest is an alien or part wolf or something. I love to tease her for that. TV is particularly bad at writing happy relationships. I know men who think romance is drama. If she isn't giving him hassles then it can't be love because he isn't feeling those intense emotions. Insecurely attached women playing games. Thankfully my man doesn't have those issues. Don't even bring up Freud though, I'm mortified that I'm like my mother-in-law. I try not to think about that. I don't think you can be both in your head and feeling sexy.
I am not concerned at all and I actually take it as a compliment. I only saw an opportunity to be annoying🤭. It is actually why I am looking forward to being a grandmother because I get to annoy my grandchildren. I won't need Substack anymore. I will hand over my grandchildren to their mother undoing all her hard work of bringing them up right 🤣😂🤣 Bless, my daughter does have her hands full.
Romance is a wonderful feeling and I have delved deep in romantic literature and movies just like your sister. It is sort of an escape. However, it does put unrealistic expectations on real relationships. However, today romance has gone out the window and it is sexual fantasies and festishes that has taken its place in delusionville. I still prefer dying over a broken heart because love is not like the movies over the numbness of sex not being like Pornhub. I will always keep my romantic soul and I will try and pass it no to my daughter. This Christmas elf on the shelf has fallen in love and is getting married to Elfeltte. We are going to make her wedding dress this weekend. Love needs a helping hand these days.
My Mom always told me life is about the journey. Enjoy the improving, but don’t forget to enjoy right now…
Thank you for this - I entirely agree. I think a lot of us are holding the baton and trying not to drop it. Happy Christmas and God bless.
Holding the baton and doing your best not to drop it. Beautifully said.
Holding that baton as well Francis, you’re not alone! Prayers to you and your parents! ❤️
I’m so glad you’ve come to find the beauty of the season! Keeping your words in mind this month.
Merry Christmas! 🎄
How beautiful Francis, that really touched me and resonates on a lot of points.
Merry Christmas to you too.
Well said. We all need that reminder. Merry Christmas to you.
Humbug!
I read this all the way through a few times today. Really powerful words Francis. My family no longer gathers like we used to and it's quite sad. I'm only 26 but as my grandparents continue to grow older and more frail, I often feel slight anger that my older family members don't make more of an effort to give them their time and attention. Even if for one family gathering a year. This post has brought me to relieving tears. Thank you
Also did you know mince pies can be devoured straight from the freezer? I wish I didn't!
My sister shares this same sentiment with the stunned realisation 'We're the adults!'. I used to hate Christmas too. The nicest part of getting older is you get the compassion to know you were 'differently focused' and be okay with it. I don't live near family but I love to think dragging out my tree and adorning it connects me to ancestors who for thousands of years have followed the traditions of the seasons. I'm also connected with all the other heirs to those traditions both genetically and culturally. Here in the Southern Hemisphere it could be 40 degrees on Christmas Day. We'll be indoors too, just huddled round the A/C instead of the fire.
Thank you: I can relate to this. It makes you understand why Scrooge was older in A Christmas Carol, as that is when we all start to see our own (or loved ones') demise and look back to Christmases past. Yet, it is the present moment, and the opportunity to give that brings Scrooge out of his funk. Merry Christmas, Francis! Keep giving!
Lovely observation of life and what really matters and now I’m the aging fragile parent on the flip side of yours, I am eternally grateful that my 2 sons still like spending time with their mum! Have a wonderful Christmas