I want my coffee gender neutral

I miss the 90s. The music was better, the world was simpler and Costa Coffee didn’t glamourise young women cutting their tits off.

Admittedly, I’m old school - I go to coffee shops to buy coffee. Then again, a double mastectomy is more appetising than the foamy discharge that passes for coffee at Costa.

It’s not enough for companies to serve us their product; they now tell you what to think. “A large latte with oatmilk? No problem. Would you like a bit of top surgery with that? Oh sorry mate, you haven’t collected enough stamps on the loyalty card…how about some puberty blockers for the weekend?”

We wouldn’t do this with men. Starbucks wouldn’t celebrate men taking female hormones and irreversibly medicalising their bodies for the rest of their lives.

Moving stuff but let’s be honest, what’s happened is a little more than adding a letter to a name. Starbucks placed that advert in India. To be fair to Arpita you must be really committed to being a woman if you transition in India, the only country in the world where cows are more respected than women. That’s like Rachel Dolezal deciding she’s black, building a time machine and travelling back to 1920s Alabama. When I see Arpita I think, you know what love, you’ve earned it.

The character of Arpita is played by a trans model called Sia. If Sia is happy with their transition then great. Live your life. I’m just not comfortable with corporations promoting surgeries and medical interventions which are incredibly damaging to the human body and in many cases irreversible. They may help some people but for others they cause lifelong regret and huge suffering.

The most insidious part of this movement is self ID which means anyone can identify as a woman. All you need to say is “I’m a woman” and boom! For legal purposes you’re a woman. And they’re not women. They can’t give birth, menstruate or remember an off the cuff comment you made 6 years ago and then bring it up in an argument.

This self ID policy has led to horrendous situations where male rapists have been put into women’s prisons. That’s right, if a male rapist says he’s a woman then he must be a woman. There can’t possibly be an ulterior motive behind his transition. Maybe it was the gender dysphoria that led her to start raping women with her penis. Have you thought about that you miserable transphobe?

The case of Adam Graham summed this up the best. Adam Graham is a convicted two time male rapist. Just before Adam was convicted he developed POGD (Prison Onset Gender Dysphoria). It’s a tragic disease and is most prevalent amongst male sex offenders. They get convicted and then Shania Twain’s “Man I feel like a woman” starts playing in their head! The only cure for this disease is to buy pink Primark leggings that show off your shapely clitoris, get a blonde wig and be placed amongst vulnerable women. Although these women are in prison in Scotland so they could very well end up assaulting him.

There were hints that Adam was a woman before she announced her transition. It’s the little things that tell you. Like the fact she has a very feminine and beautiful face tattoo. You can’t even attend a yoga class in Brooklyn without seeing a whole host of yummy mummies with face tattoos reminiscent of Mike Tyson.

But we should all give thanks to Adam Graham AKA Isla Bryson because without “her” we would never have had that beautiful moment where Nicola Sturgeon tied herself in knots trying to explain what a trans woman is.

Because trans women ARE women. Even when they’re male rapists with face tattoos. I would let Adam identify as anything she damn well pleases if it meant she continues to expose ideologically compromised politicians.

This ideology has also impacted women’s sports. Terfs or “Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists” have said that trans athletes shouldn’t be allowed to compete with biological women as they have an unfair advantage.

Of course they do, they’ve been through male puberty, have thicker bones, more muscle density and don’t menstruate. I believe trans women are biological males but they should still be allowed in women’s sports. It’s the only way to make women’s sports interesting! No one cared about women’s swimming before apart from athletes, coaches and perverts. But now Lia Thomas has come in and everyone’s talking about it. Imagine if Lia joined the WNBA they might even be able to draw a crowd.

I think we should bring back old sporting legends to play in women’s sports. Let’s get Micheal Jordan in a weave, smash a couple of implants in her and then watch her dunk 100 points a game in the WNBA. Who wouldn’t want to watch Davina Beckham smash 12 goals past the US women’s team. Plus David’s so handsome she’d look better than most women I’ve dated. What’s not to love? A woman you can objectify and not be cancelled for staring at. Now that’s what I call progress!