Why I'm Sick Of Hearing About the Strait Of Hormusz

When are we going to talk about the gays?

The war in Iran rages on. Trump has threatened to “destroy a civilisation”.

To be fair, I do have sympathy for him - I feel that way every time I skip a meal. It’s a good thing I don’t have access to the nuclear codes; if I missed even one breakfast, I’d want to nuke Iran too.

This all comes back to the Strait of Hormuz. Let’s be honest about this: no one knew where the Strait of Hormuz was before this conflict or why it was so important. The only thing we do know is that Whoopi Goldberg is furious about this because why should the straights be the only one allowed into Hormuz? This is plain old-fashioned bigotry. She might have a point as I don’t think Iran are very pro-gay.

Anyway, the Iranians have open and shut the Strait so many times they’re starting to resemble Bonnie Blue’s legs. Although, Bonnie Blue has had more seamen inside her than all the waterways across the globe.

You’re right - that joke is both disgusting and factually accurate. They write themselves.

Trump lost his mind because 1) the world is going to be plunged into a global energy crisis and because 2) he’s mental. “Oh Francis, how do you know he’s mental”. Because Donald Trump is a comedian. When was the last time you met a sane comedian? Trump’s nuts. He’s teetotal and he still behaves like that. Can you imagine if Trump took cocaine? He’d post wild shit on Twitter and come up with crazy schemes to make even more money. Maybe he is.

Obviously, the people who are most grateful for these outbursts are the New York Times and Keir Starmer. “Why Keir Starmer?” I hear you ask. Well, because the more Trump goes mental, the less focus is pulled to Starmer appointing Peter Mandelson as the British ambassador to the US.

Now, a quick confession from me: even though Mandelson was nonce-adjacent, I get why Keir appointed him. Mandelson is the only person in the Labour Party who’s fully toilet-trained, able to hold a conversation, and capable of not having an aneurysm whilst doing basic primary school maths. In short, he’s actually intelligent, putting him a minority of one within the Labour Party.

Who else would they send instead of Peter Mandelson? Diane Abbott?

(Now, I realise that Diane has been suspended by the Labour Party for thinking Jews can control the weather. A shocking comment; when did Diane learn what weather was?)

Diane once turned up to canvas voters wearing two left-footed shoes making her look completely insane, yet still more competent than Jeremy Corbyn.

Thanks to this war, things are becoming even more unaffordable. Certain media outlets are even saying that we’re going to have to re-introduce food rationing. Who would have thought Trump would play a crucial part in solving the UK’s obesity crisis? And since no one will be able to afford petrol, the chunkies will now have to walk everywhere.

This is terrible news for me. Not only am I fat but, at the age of 43, I’ve just learnt how to drive. It’s an automatic license, ladies. Form an orderly queue and if you ask nicely I’ll take you for a spin in my Carolla. We’ll only be able to drive for around ten minutes as I’m still nervous on motorways, petrol’s expensive and I’m not made of money.

As some of you will know, I’m half-Venezuelan. My ethnicity was culturally relevant for about one week in January. And then Trump went and invaded Iran.

I know things are starting to get better in Venezuela because my family in Caracas are starting to share memes with me about how shit London is. My home city has now become a punchline for the rest of the globe. Even for failed communist states. At this point, London feels like the fat kid who always comes last at Sports Day. Although, if London was a kid, it’d be banned from Sports Day for carrying a knife.

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