Why Jeffrey Epstein Can Unite America & the West

Do you remember the time when conspiracy theorists were seen as weirdos, freaks and outcasts who spent their time burrowing deeper and deeper into weird online conspiracies as a way to compensate for the fact that they’ve never had sex? And practically every conspiracy ended with “and we all know who’s behind it… the Jews!” It was a fun game for all the family to play, especially if your life isn’t turning out quite the way you hoped, you desperately need someone to blame and you have German ancestors.

My favourite conspiracy theory is the great replacement which believes that Jewish people were importing millions of Muslims to Europe because they wanted to get rid of white people. Because that’s what Jewish people want. To be surrounded by Muslims. The Middle East has been a global success story for all involved and there’s never been a crossed word between the two sides. Not even a micro aggression. You can see that the people dreaming up these conspiracies aren’t the brightest minds.

Anyway it’s now 2025 and if you’re not a conspiracy theorist you’re pretty much in the minority. Brexit, Trump, Covid, Hunter Biden’s laptop, the Twitter files and spending every waking hour online has turned our brains into mush and we’ve all slid down our own unique internet rabbit holes. And some of us just keep sliding. Because as any 6 year old will tell you. Going down a slide is great fun. And what else are we meant to do now that we’re all working from home. Do some work? No, thank you! That’s why we work from home.

To be fair it’s not like the authorities aren’t fuelling that particular fire. Whether it’s the Trump assassination attempt or the whole Epstein scandal, the business we all need to get into is selling tin foil hats and investing in 4chan.

But the story of Jeffery Epstein is my favourite conspiracy theory. In that none of it makes sense. How did he make the money? How did he connect with all of these famous people? How did he continue to hang out with them long after he was convicted of being a sex offender? How did he manage to escape prosecution for so long despite having a paedophile sex ring in the Virgin Islands? The Virgin Islands! Isn’t that the worst place to host that type of crime? Wouldn't that be like me cheating on my wife in the Essex village of FingerinHoe.

Talk about hiding in plain sight.

Everything about the case feels like it was made up by a 15 year old boy who has an overactive imagination and just discovered weed for the first time. Paedophiles, royalty, disabled geniuses and Presidents. All it needs is some kind of alien abduction with the grand reveal being that the aliens were Jews all along and we’d have a full house.

Now the truth is if you’ve been following this story none of the names will come as a surprise: Trump, Stephen Hawking, Prince Andrew, Alan Dershowitz, Bill Clinton, the list goes on and on. But it doesn’t make it any less fun. Who doesn’t want to know that Prince Andrew is mentioned 67 times in the Epstein files. 67 times! I don’t think my mother has mentioned my name 67 times except to call me up and tell me how disappointed she is in me that I’m 42 years old, unmarried and still a comedian. The only people that she thinks do less work than comedians are the Royal Family. This is of course incredibly unfair because judging by the revelations Prince Andrew has an incredible dedication to his craft.

Bill Clinton was another well-known individual who was outed. Now we all know that Bill was good mates with Epstein. Jeffrey even had this painting of Bill in his house.

Now some of you may find this disturbing but I salute Jeffrey for his commitment to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion by including a trans version of Bill Clinton. All we need to make this totally progressive is for someone to do an Instagram post about it, write the words “Yaaas Queen! and put some fire emojis underneath it”.

The allegations against Clinton are very serious with Epstein saying that “Bill liked them young”. This is awful and I need to make it absolutely clear for legal reasons and also so that I don’t suffer the same fate as Jeffrey and “kill myself” that nothing has been proven against Bill Clinton. The allegations are very serious but this is all they are. Allegations. Having said that, I still wouldn’t trust Bill to babysit my nieces any time soon. And yet he’d still make for a better president than Joe Biden and be less divisive than Donald Trump.

Trump was another person who knew Epstein and was quoted as saying “'I've known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy,' 'He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it - Jeffrey enjoys his social life.'

Now Trump said this in 2002 many years before Jeffrey’s first convictions. It still feels really dodgy though. It’s a bit like me praising a young Bill Cosby for knowing how to make women feel relaxed.

And that isn’t even the most interesting thing about the case. After Epstein was arrested there was “the suicide”. Now this is where I go full conspiracy theorist and say that I don’t think he killed himself.

The guards in his high security prison cell were meant to check up on him every half hour they didn’t. Despite him being placed on suicide watch. Medical experts have said that the bones that were broken in Epstein’s neck were a broken hyoid bone “can be broken in many circumstances but is more commonly associated with homicidal strangulation than suicidal hanging”. Epstein regularly stated that he wouldn’t kill himself as he was “a coward”. The whole thing smells a little bit like a cover up.

Maybe he didn’t kill himself but it sounds a hell of a lot more plausible than Jews are trying to fill London with Muslim people because they prefer to be surrounded by people called Muhammad instead of Chris.

One of the positives of this whole grisly saga is that in a world that gets more divided by the hour. Epstein’s death brought us together as we all knew that he definitely didn’t kill himself. Finally a subject: gender critical feminists, gun toting MAGA supporters, gender fluid, inter sex progressives and Nick Fuentes could all see eye to eye on.

This is the one thing that even Owen Jones and Adolf Hitler would agree on. That and needing to see more evidence about the war crimes committed by Hamas on October 7th.

The story of Epstein’s Island has only taught us one thing. You can’t trust anyone. Not the media, not the government, not the justice system. There’s only one person you can trust. That one mate of yours who smokes too much weed, never had a job and thinks that a group of satanic paedophiles runs the world. Turns out he was right all along!