You Can’t Say Nothing No More

(You Really Can’t)

Just when you think the UK can’t get any worse when it comes to the issue of free speech it somehow manages a way to look even more retarded on the global stage.

The UK is so dumb that it now resembles an 18 year old man with a full beard, sleeve tattoos who’s still in kindergarten because he can’t figure out how to hold a pencil let alone write his name. We’re no longer a joke, we’ve now become an international punchline for crap comedians across the globe.

A few weeks ago Graham Linehan was arrested at Heathrow Airport by five armed police officers for three posts on X. That’s right, ARMED police officers arrested him for posts he wrote on X. Because that’s what you need when you’re arresting a beloved comedy writer.. machine guns. We all know the damage comedians can do, that’s why they need to be arrested and preferably have some kind of heart palpitation which leaves them hospitalised.

In fact I applaud the Metropolitan Police’s stance on this matter. As I walk around the decaying zombiefied husk of London, I am eternally grateful that the police focus on such important crimes as gender critical tweets rather than trivial incidents such as knife crime. By the way, London without knife crime would be like Liverpool without the Beatles. If it didn’t exist what would we talk about?

What’s the point of catching murderers and rapists when someone is saying something nasty on Twitter? I don’t care that there’s gangs of marauding teenage sociopaths on mopeds stealing phones outside my front door. I demand to go online and not have my feelings hurt. How else can I be expected to stay safe?

We’ve been locking people up for tweets and things they say online for longer than I care to remember. In fact we sentenced a woman called Lucy Connolly to 31 months in jail for something she wrote on X during the riots last year. Now admittedly she did plead guilty to the charges, as advised by her lawyer, something she should never have done. But why was she being charged in the first place?

We even let paedophiles and rapists out of prison early because evil, heinous criminals like Lucy needed a jail cell. We can all agree the best way to keep women safe is by allowing people who molest them to wander the streets whilst you throw the real deviants, those that say things you disagree with, behind bars. We all know that Andrew Tate’s real crimes are his problematic tweets. It’s his refusal to accept that gender is a social construct that should see him thrown in jail for the rest of his days.

It could be worse. I could be Scottish. You see England is retarded but compared to the Scots: we’re Stephen Hawking with an AI implant level genius. Scotland is the home of the Edinburgh Festival, the biggest arts festival in the world. Comedians, artists and performers come from all over the world to perform at the festival. Yet Scotland has brought in hate speech laws which mean you could be arrested for things that you say on stage that a “reasonable person” would find “offensive”.

By the way, if you think that you should imprison someone for an offensive joke. You’re not reasonable. It’s like saying “Oh I’m a liberal jihadist”. “Just a chilled out, relaxed dude who loves long walks, chilling out at home and death to the infidel pig dogs who disagree with me. Pronouns Allah/ Akhbar”.

The only person who wins out of this is me because I’ve been warning about this for years. I now get to lord it over all the Left wing comedians who said “free speech is a right wing issue”. Who’s right wing now bitches? Still me according to them but now seeing Graham’s arrested they’ve changed their opinion. Of course that’s a joke. They haven’t changed their mind, they’re even more retarded than they were before and doubled down on their opinion. As has everyone else by the way.

Zach Polanski (the leader of the Green Party) agreed with Graham’s arrest. Turns out climate change doesn’t just affect the planet, it also affects your brain.

So I look forward to writing another one of these from prison. But don’t worry I will identify as a woman so I’ll be able to be surrounded by women and finally accepted by all my former comedian colleagues.