America, Iran & Israel: Now that’s what I call a threesome!

I’m a stand up comedian with a YouTube channel so who better to commentate on a complicated and divisive issue like Trump’s bombing of Iran? Normally I’d recommend getting the facts from a distinguished academic historian, like Dave Smith, but today Ol’ Francisco Foster is here with his 2:2 in drama from Essex University to talk about the Middle East. [thinking] Must remember to disable comments.

Still that does make me more qualified than Marjorie Taylor Greene who only last week found out that Persia wasn’t a country and ‘Asia’ wasn’t the name of the stripper.

Anyway, early Sunday morning B-2 bombers dropped a “Massive Ordnance Penetrator” which ironically is also my nickname with the ladies. Either that or “Operation Midnight Hammer”. Sadly, the last woman to receive my Midnight Hammer was nicknamed “Operation Rolling Thunder” as that big girl really struggled to get out of my bed. War is seldom pretty.

Despite CNN defending the IRCG stating that their only goal is a “fiery but mostly peaceful” nuclear armageddon, initial reports have shown this mission to have been a success. The strikes hit three nuclear sites and delivered very real damage to Iran’s capability to produce enriched uranium. But the reality is no one knows how severe the damage is. Now obviously Trump has been his normal restrained self declaring the sites had been “totally obliterated”, which to be fair, is also how he described Stormy Daniel’s minge.

The only surprise with his statement is that he didn’t describe the strikes as “big” and “beautiful”. Trump uses the words “big” and “beautiful” more often than black dudes on Pornhub.

Trump didn’t even bother to tell Keir Starmer that the strikes were going to happen. Probably because Labour MPs like Tahir Ali, who openly championed instituting Islamic blasphemy laws, would ring the Ayatollah himself and tip him off. Anything to crush the Jews, sorry not Jews, “Zionists”. Realistically Labour MPs would have done more leaking in secret than AOC when Elon flirts with her on Twitter.

Although my favourite Labour politician was Armed Forces Minister, Stephen Pollard who refused seven times to confirm or deny whether the UK backed the bombing. What was anyone expecting from him? It was only last week that he discovered what a woman is. Which to be fair is only a couple of months behind his boss who needed this matter clarified by the supreme court. You can never be too careful especially if you’ve just had your London flat fire bombed by Ukrainian rent boys. [thinking] Must pitch “Ukrainian Rentboys” documentary to VICE.

Still, Ayatollah Khomeini wouldn’t approve of this type of behaviour. Because if you’re going to fire bomb a house it’s better if the rent boys are inside it. He’s so problematic that he probably doesn’t even know it’s Pride Month. Although to their credit everyone in Iran is very pro trans. The moment a boy is behaving in a gender non conforming way they’re immediately given puberty blockers and whipped off to the surgeon’s. Just like a primary school in California.

Although Iran hasn’t been very problematic when it comes to not celebrating Pride Month, at least they’ve been very Left Wing when it comes to the issue of Israel. Ayatollah Khomeini referred to Israel as “a cancerous tumour that needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth”. Jeremy Corbyn was furious when he said this as that’s one of his favourite opening bits at Climate rallies. And there’s nothing Jeremy hates more than plagiarism. Well actually… there’s capitalists, Tories, Zionists, his brother, Western Civilization, Dianne Abbot’s blowjob technique, but you get my point.

Some people are even openly talking about regime change in Iran which I think would be a catastrophic mistake. We’ve seen that this has never worked in the Middle East. Every time we’ve attempted this kind of intervention it’s gone disastrously. Look if your mate’s dating a terrible person, you don’t intervene. You don’t try to overthrow the ayatollah aka “the Mrs”. You just have to sit back and hope there’s going to be an uprising so a tyrannical leader can be overthrown and sanity restored. And hope that other mentally unstable countries don’t get involved, And by that I mean her gal pals.

Because if this really kicks off, things are going to get nastier than a South London woman, twelve Bacardi Breezers deep, brandishing a stiletto whilst screaming the words “Stacey, I’m going to fucking kill that slag”.

Those are words scary enough to strike fear into the heart of any human being, even the Ayatollah. Although if anyone deserves to have a Massive Ordnance stiletto shoved in his eye from a coked up mother of five outside a Croydon nightclub it’s him.

But an uncomfortable ceasefire has now been declared between the two countries. Even though both parties did their best to scupper it. Trump announced to the world’s press

Which to be fair sums up what most of us feel about the situation.

All any of us can do is hope that this doesn’t escalate and no more civilian lives are lost on either side. Here’s hoping. And in the words of our own Ayatollah “Now is the time for peace. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”