Oi Hollywood, Leave My Childhood Movies Alone!

Many of my happiest childhood memories were formed in the comfort of a folding cinema seat - stuffing popcorn into my mouth, while simultaneously being transported to another world; it’s one of the rare times I was able to multitask.

The eighties was a fantastic decade to grow up in, if you were a kid who loved movies. Think of the titles from that era that are now etched into our collective memory: The Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Back to the Future, Ghostbusters, E.T., Top Gun, Gremlins, The Goonies, The Princess Bride - the list goes on. I’ve probably left out your personal favourite - and that’s kind of the point. There were so many brilliant and original films back then it would take days to list them all. And even if I tried, I’d end up making some ‘unforgivable’ omission that would have me labelled an ‘uncultured swine’ or a ‘clueless fucking asshole’.

This is why it’s been so painful to live through the current era, in which Hollywood studios seem intent on defiling every beloved franchise with rubbish reboots and pointless prequels and sequels that nobody asked for. In my mind, this began with the Star Wars prequels. Now, the writing and acting in Star Wars has always been ham-fisted and corny - that was actually what made it work. It’s a science-fiction space opera, not a piece of Victorian literary realism.¹ But despite the corniness, the original movies had charm and vigor. The cardinal sin of the prequels was not the poor dialogue; it was how overwrought, convoluted and boring they were. And then, of course, a decade later we got The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker, which were so awful they made the prequels look like the Godfather trilogy.

The worst part of the new Star Wars sequels was having to see Han Solo, one of the most iconic action heroes of all time, as a weak and neutered old man. Same with Indiana Jones, who was resurrected for The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in 2008 and The Dial of Destiny in 2023. These were not so much Indiana Jones movies as they were extended advertisements for Help the Aged. They may as well have had Indy escaping that nuclear explosion in Crystal Skull on a rocket-powered wheelchair. At least that would’ve been more exciting than watching him hide in a fridge. I almost threw my popcorn at the screen at that point, but the guy sitting in front of me with a shaved head and a neck tattoo stayed my hand - I enjoy watching Indy fight goons; I don’t fancy going toe-to-toe with them myself.

Of course, degrading the very idea of a male hero is typical of modern-day Hollywood. Which brings me onto the much-maligned, all-female Ghostbusters remake. This movie was panned by critics and audiences alike, but rather than acknowledge its poor storytelling and shoddy characterisation,re director Paul Feig blamed ‘racism’ and the ‘anti-Hilary movement’ for its failure. This is how low Hollywood has sunk: they substitute care and quality for preachy political messaging, and then try to shame audiences when they don’t respond. But unfortunately for them, the numbers don’t lie: the Ghostbusters remake was a box-office bomb, losing over $70 million. Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny fared even worse, losing Disney over $140 million.

I think I’m speaking for all movie fans of a certain age when I say: Hollywood, leave our beloved movies alone! Let the stories that have already been told continue to inspire joy and wonder with future generations. There’s no need to change or ‘correct’ them. Create new stories, new characters, new franchises. You’ll not only regain the audience’s respect; you’ll also make a shit-ton more money! Look at two of the biggest films of 2023: Barbie and Oppenheimer. Whether you liked them or not, both movies were the individual vision of a writer-director (Greta Gerwig and Christopher Nolan respectively) who was truly passionate about what they were doing. They weren’t some compromised, half-baked piece of crap cobbled together by a bunch of desperate executives. And lo and behold, they were the highest and third-highest grossing movies of the year.

Those eighties movies I loved didn’t just entertain - they inspired. As a ten-year-old, they made me want to pack my bags, fly to L.A. and become a movie star. If I were that age now, most recent offerings would hold my attention for about five minutes, before whatever was on my phone became a far more compelling prospect. So let’s demand better stories. Let’s leave our cherished classics alone, and create films that inspire future generations just as much as the old ones did.

1. Many people know of Harrison Ford’s famous comment to George Lucas on the matter of his dialogue: “I told George: ‘You can’t say that stuff. You can only type it.’” But people often miss the second part of the quotation, where Ford admits: “But I was wrong. It worked.”