The Green Party Are Mental & Always Have Been.

The past, present and future of Britain's most hilarious - and troubling - political institution.

In 2026, the British voters face a question: do you want a country, or do you want a Psytrance festival campsite with a treasury?

The offer is coming to you directly from the Green Party, and somehow, we’re being asked to take it seriously. Historically, they were just a bunch of middle-class substitute teachers who knitted their own yogurt and wanted to get the whole world to give up steak for a nice plate of mung beans. Yet, the Greens have morphed from a quirky allotment society into one of the fastest-growing political forces in the UK.

They are seizing council seats, weaponizing left-wing internet populism, and drafting a manifesto that reads like an economic suicide pact written by a nineteen-year-old virgin who just discovered Marxism, and thinks the concept of ‘supply and demand’ is “giving racism” - all the while courting sectarian voting from conservative Muslims in Britain’s inner cities.

This is a fascinating alliance, considering one half wants to ban fossil fuels and the other half prays towards a country entirely funded by them.

How did it come to this?

Let’s go back to the beginning.

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The party was founded in a bout of post-nut climate anxiety. Yes, really.
In the summer of 1972, a solicitor named Lesley Whittaker walked into the Bridge Inn pub in Warwickshire and handed her husband, Tony, an issue of Playboy. That specific issue contained an interview with Paul Ehrlich, a scientist who predicted that hundreds of millions of people would imminently starve to death in a global ecological apocalypse. Or as I call, the original Ozempic. Yep, that old story. He was the original Greta Thunberg, just with less autism and slightly prettier.

The pair were terrified, and swiftly set about forming a party. So, over a few pints of most probably lukewarm British bitter, they and two friends formed a political movement called the "PEOPLE Party", which eventually rebranded as the Ecology Party, and finally in 1985, the Green Party.

Think about that! The entire environmental movement in UK politics was catalysed because an estate agent and a lawyer got existential dread while flipping past a centerfold of a Playboy magazine. That is beautiful. It’s like finding out social media was created by some autistic Incel to rate women that he’d have no chance of fucking.

Once things got up and running, hey were the ultimate “protest vote.” If you didn’t like Tony Blair or David Cameron, you ticked the box for the sunflower, knowing they’d never actually win anything, but it made you feel virtuous. It was like donating £2 to save a donkey; you did it, patted yourself on the back, and went back to driving a diesel Range Rover home, for a nice donkey steak.

And on the fringes they stayed. For a while. About four decades, until the late 2010s, when the British left underwent a seismic shift.

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In 2020, two-wheeled Guevara apologist and former leader Jeremy Corbyn was unceremoniously frozen out of the Labour Party, and his successor, Keir Starmer, began an aggressive, scorched-earth purge of the radicals in the ranks.

This triggered two explosive reactions simultaneously.

First, hundreds of thousands of radical, anti-establishment activists were suddenly left politically homeless. They were wandering the streets of Islington, crying into their Kimchi, desperately looking for a new clan.

Second, following the events of October 7th, the UK’s British Muslim community grew alienated by Starmer’s cautious, institutional stance on the conflict in Gaza. For decades, Muslims had been a loyal bedrock of the Labour vote, historically backing the party at rates upwards of 80%. Now, they felt completely abandoned.

Both factions looked around for a new home, and they noticed the Green Party had a completely open-door policy. What followed wasn’t a gentle integration; it was a hostile takeover. This massive influx of disillusioned leftists and furious anti-war campaigners/Muslim anti-Westies effectively hijacked the party’s infrastructure. Not that it was particularly difficult. Vegans aren’t the most difficult to overpower.

But, they didn’t care about community composting; they transformed the Greens into a high-octane vehicle for intense identity politics, economic radicalism, and anti-Western values.

And leading this brand-new, hyper-progressive but dangerously theocratic coalition is a gay Jewish theatre-geek Zack Polanski. Otherwise known as David Paulden. Otherwise known as the Tooth Fairy (get it?)

Zack is a fascinating character. He is an actor, because of course he is - the entire Green economic programme requires a suspension of disbelief. He’s also former Liberal Democrat candidate, and - not joking - a former hypnotherapist, who in 2013, famously participated in a feature article for The Sun newspaper where he conducted hypnotherapy sessions on a woman in an attempt to increase her breast size.

See, when your entire strategy relies on welcoming anyone who is furious at the mainstream establishment, you don’t just get well-meaning peace activists. You end up with an absolute buffet of candidate meltdowns. Predictably, over the last couple of years, the party has been hit by an avalanche of investigations into candidates sharing abhorrent antisemitic conspiracy theories.

In Camden, council candidate Aziz Rahman Hakimi was suspended after sharing posts claiming that the firebombing of Jewish volunteer ambulances in London was secretly an Israeli “false flag” operation. He also urged Muslims not to smoke because tobacco funds “the Jews to kill our brothers”.

Lambeth Councillor Sabine Mairey was arrested by the Metropolitan Police for stirring up racial hatred after sharing a social media post asserting that "Ramming a synagogue isn't antisemitism. It's revenge." * Another one, Rajeev Kumar from Newham, was investigated for referring to Jewish people as "devil worshippers" on social media. The party of “peace and love” is looking less organic hummus and more full fat Hamas

Just recently, in the Makerfield by-election, their candidate Chris Kennedy had to stand down a mere nine hours after being announced because it emerged he had shared the exact same “false flag” ambulance conspiracy on Instagram.

He lasted nine hours. Liz Truss is looking at that going, “Bit unstable, mate.” She couldn’t outlast a lettuce, Kennedy lost to a mayfly.

But it’s not just the deeply offensive stuff; the sheer level of candidate eccentricity is staggering.

Sarah Wakefield, the new Green Party Makerfield candidate, runs a charity which calls for British farming to be “decolonised” and shared a report arguing that perfectionism is an example of “white supremacy culture.” So remember, kids, if you tidy your room or turn your homework in on time, you’re basically a grand wizard. If perfectionism is white supremacy, my builder who left my bathroom half-finished for six months is the next Nelson Mandela. He’s not lazy, he’s just a brave, anti-racist freedom fighter sticking it to the system by leaving me without a toilet.

Why can’t they all just be the eccentric Greens we expect? Like Councillor Matt Edwards, who led a serious local political campaign focused heavily on banning the use of leaf blowers by council workers, claiming the machines caused “noise pollution and environmental chaos.” That is what I want from my Green Party. That, and wanting to officially ban meat and dairy from all council events in favor of entirely plant-based menus.

The point here isn’t that wanting cleaner air or protected green spaces is bad. We all want that.

I’m not trying to convince you to vote for this party or this party. My point is that the Green Party isn’t just a harmless, consequence-free protest vote anymore.

For any Green voters or people who are thinking of voting Green, I just want to ask you this: Please, just do some actual research into what they are proposing. Wake up! Right now, you might feel like international foreign policy or gesturing about Gaza is the only thing that matters on earth. It’s very easy to posture on social media and treat your ballot paper like a moral fashion accessory. A vote isn’t a tote bag. You can’t just sling it over your shoulder at brunch and call it a personality.

But I promise you, reality comes at you fast. Adulthood catches up with everyone. One day very soon, you will actually be responsible for something, or even for someone. You’ll have a mortgage to pay, a business to run, or a family to feed and protect. And when that day comes, your priorities are going to change instantly. The things that keep you awake at night will look very different. You won’t be worrying about decolonizing local farms or banning leaf blowers; you will be wondering if you can afford your energy bills, if your streets are safe, and if the economy is stable enough to support your children, hell if it’s even stable to maybe have children.

Your protest vote today directly creates the broken, bankrupt reality you will inherit tomorrow. Seriously, wake up. Put the phone down, look past the slogans, and start thinking long term. You cannot build a stable life or a functioning country on virtue signalling. Your life is longer than one summer.