Why I Won’t Be Watching The New Snow White Film

I love the movies! Going to the cinema, the popcorn, paying an extortionate amount to be trapped in a darkened room to watch yet another girlboss saving the world from patriarchy. Hollywood is acting like we’ve never had strong female protagonists. And that’s a load of nonsense.

Do you remember the 80s and 90s? We had female action heroines back then. Sarah Connor in the Terminator, Lola in Run Lola Run and Ellen Ripley in the Alien movies. Ellen Ripley had a shaved head, used a flamethrower, massacred aliens and saved the human race. Did we think it was weird that a woman was doing this? No! We just accepted she was a lesbian and got on with our lives.

If you want something done properly, get a man to do it. But if you’re tired of nagging your man to do it, get a gender non conforming female. And the main villain in the Aliens movie was a female alien which is how you knew she was properly evil. As any nightclub bouncer will tell you, the worst fights are the ones between two women. That’s why that movie is a classic. I’m just surprised the Queen Alien didn’t try and stab Ripley with a stiletto whilst her mates in the background scream “Tanya don’t do it. It’s not worth it!”.

All those movies had a positive thing to say about men and women but now relations between the two sexes have gone down the toilet. If you believe the movies, anyway. The Barbie film demonstrates this perfectly. It explains why a society without men is far better and more harmonious. This obviously is a load of bollocks as anyone who’s worked with women will tell you they’re all 3 Pina Coladas away from tearing each other’s hair out.

I love women but if they’re all so loving, then why is it on a night out, the fat one always ends up crying? Obviously they didn’t include this in Barbie as there were no fat women. Barbie’s audience is white women and gay men. They save the fat girls for the hip hop videos.

Barbie really was unrealistic trash. It’s set in Venice Beach and I didn’t see one crack head taking a dump on the street whilst mainlining fentanyl into his nut sack. Where was the homeless psychopath harassing you for money? Where were the needles? This is way more unrealistic than a plastic doll coming to life and it sets children with unrealistic expectations of what LA is like.

Hollywood has not just drunk the Kool Aid, it’s guzzled from the barrel then taken the dregs and made suppositories so it can be screwed from both ends.

Actor Michael Sheen recently said that only Welsh actors should play Welsh characters. How many Welsh characters can you name? There have been about 3 interesting people to come from Wales in their entire history and one of them is a dragon. Have we now come to the point where only dragons can play dragons? Are dragons now part of an oppressed minority? Will we see the rise of DLM?

Comedian David Baddiel said that Robert Oppenheimer should have been played by a Jew. I think for maximum authenticity he should have been played by someone who’s autistic. Every physicist in the history of the planet is autistic. Unless the actor is a mathematical genius with appalling social skills and an inability to make eye contact then I’m not interested.

He needs to be so autistic that the only way he can communicate is through morse code and if he isn’t then this is another example of neurodivergent washing.

Peter Dinklage has taken the opposite tack. He’s arguing that actors with dwarfism should not be cast as dwarves in Snow White And The Seven Dwarves.

So an actor with dwarfism is depriving other actors with dwarfism of well paid Hollywood roles. Talk about pulling up the tiny little stepladder. Now there’s just one dwarf in the seven dwarves. Isn’t this just tokenism? Will we call it Snow White, 6 blokes and a dwarf? Because that sounds less like a kids movie and more like a porn movie.

Snow White is played by an actor of Latin heritage. Now I’m a massive fan of the dusky maiden. My dating history looks like a Hollywood casting agent’s wet dream. All brown women and no dwarves.

But shouldn’t Snow White be… Snow White. Is it really an authentic choice to have a lady who looks like she can dance a mean salsa, a temper that could destabilise entire nations and hairier than Osama Bin Laden? These are all qualities that I find highly desirable in a woman. But maybe not for the character of Snow White?

However Rachel Zegler is half Colombian so maybe Snow White refers to that country’s greatest export. Who wouldn’t want to see Snow White meets Narcos? Maybe Prince Charming is in the CIA and will rescue her from Pablo Escobar.

The actress who plays Snow White has come under fire for an interview where she said that

saying she approached playing Snow White as someone who would “be dreaming about becoming the leader she knows she can be” rather than as a character who is solely looking for her Happily Ever After.

I have sympathy for her. She’s 22 years old. What 22 year old doesn’t have dementedly liberal opinions? That’s what you should be like at 22. Then you realise that all polyamory left you with is: badly dyed hair, some terrible sexual experiences and Chlamydia. The worst people in life are those who are conservative when they’re barely adults. Go have some fun instead of living your life like a Ben Shapiro tribute act.

She also branded Prince Charming a “creep”. If someone calls themselves “charming” it’s probably because they’ve got something to hide. It’s like when a used car salesman calls themselves “Honest Dave”. If you call yourself something it’s highly likely you’re not that thing. And he did kiss her when she was asleep. I’m just surprised that his name wasn’t discovered on the flight log for Epstein’s Island. Or at the very least describe himself as a male feminist.

Instead of dogpiling her maybe we should allow her to grow up and do what all liberal women do when they mature: marry a conservative. Because there’s nothing liberal women love more than hearing the word “no” backed up with facts and logic. They love a little bit of Ben Shapiro from a man who can pay his own way and grow a proper beard. Which is the main reason why I’m not a conservative.