Why We All Owe Conspiracy Theorists an Apology Over Epstein

We owe conspiracy theorists everywhere a massive apology. For years your pothead friend who did precisely nada but live in some kind of dungeon, subsisting on nothing but bong-hits , weird Reddit forums and Domino’s pizza was actually correct. Turns out, there really is a cabal of elite paedophiles, ruling over us, doing appalling things to kids whilst wielding huge amounts of power. One even more powerful than the BBC.

The release of the Epstein files has sent everyone into a frenzy, not just your conspiracy theorist mate who last took a shower in 2016. It’s been so toxic that the only celebrity who’s come out of this with his reputation enhanced is Michael Jackson. In fact if you had to pick one celebrity involved with this scandal to babysit your kids it would probably be MJ.

He has a theme park, and they wouldn’t catch knob-rot off him like they would with Bill Gates.

By the way, Bill denies these allegations. I mean of course he would. But let’s be honest here, it’s a little too specific to be made up, isn’t it? Especially the part about him getting the clap and then thinking about putting antibiotics in his wife’s drinks so she doesn’t contract it. By the way I find this behaviour absolutely disgusting. Imagine being married to your wife for over a quarter of a century and still wanting to have sex with her. What a pervert. No wonder he ended up on that island.

By the way, was it a surprise to anyone that Bill turned out to be a little bit creepy? There’s a test I like to do with people when I’m trying to work out if they’re a pervert. I call it the “for fuck’s sake just look at him test”.

If you saw Bill Gates hanging around the showers at your local leisure centre you’d have him arrested quicker than it takes Windows 11 to load, crash and then lose all your data.

Prince Andrew was also mentioned but at this point it just feels like punching down. The man is clearly the victim of several generations of inbreeding and can’t be held accountable for his actions.

He makes a pug look like Usain Bolt. Only a man as profoundly retarded as Andy would actually get his photo taken mid-nonce. At this point the only jobs available to him are: toilet attendant, twitch streamer, or Prime Minister. He still moves less offensively than Theresa May.

Talking about global leaders, Bill Clinton is mentioned in the Epstein Files 497,638 times. That’s obviously just a joke. It’s probably more than that. Hilary, your husband flies on the Lolita Express to Pedophile Six Flags 340 times and you had no idea? I never want to hear about “woman’s intuition” ever again.

Another name to be leaked from the world of politics was of course Peter Mandelson. Now for those of you who might not have heard of Peter Mandelson, congratulations. He is known as the biggest wanker in politics; an industry that has produced Boris Johnson and Alistair Campbell.

The image of Mandelson that has gone viral is a photo of him in his y fronts being handed something by a woman. who lets that picture be taken, knows their name has been mentioned 100,000 times in the files, rubs their hands together and thinks to themselves.

“Right, time to get back into politics”.

He should be fired purely for his arrogance.

I do need to inject a note of solemnity into proceedings as there have been hundreds of victims of Jeffrey Epstein’s heinous crimes. And some of them have never got their day in court. So let’s give these people the respect they deserve and name them.

1. Jeffrey Epstein. Not that one; just the others. Twenty years ago if you were called Jeffrey Epsten that was a solid middle class name. If you were involved in a court case and you found out that the lawyer representing you had that name you’d be thrilled.

But now it’s up there with Adolf Hitler. Probably worse than Adolf, because there’s many things you can say about Adolf but he wouldn’t have been a fan of Jeffrey’s ethnicity, personality or bedroom activities. In fact I imagine he would’ve dealt with Jeffrey very sternly. Under Adolf, Jeffrey wouldn’t have been able to buy an island let alone run a paedo ring on it.

And of course we need a moment of silence for the most high profile victim in the files. David Icke. That’s right, David Icke, the famous British conspiracy theorist who went on TV and declared he was the child of the Godhead whilst being dressed in a shellsuit. Look, everyone’s got skeletons…

Anyway this man told us that we were being ruled by an elite group of paedophiles and we all laughed at him. He became a punchline and now it’s all proven to be true. So David, on behalf of the British people may I offer this sincere and heartfelt apology. All you need now is to prove you are actually the son of God (I’m not sure demigods get arthritis) and the royal family are a bunch of space lizards masquerading as human beings and you’re Nostradamus.